The Greenies and their beliefs

Because environmental causes have been turned so adroitly by left-wing and activist demagogues as quasi-cults of government and animal worship, the single issue on which us libertarians tend to get lumped in with the lunatics in the right-wing is the environment. It makes me depressed that so many people smash real science together with plutocratic Christian lunacy, just because we disagree with them.

So in the interest of general understanding and reconciliation, I have decided to take the time to explain to my fellow libertarians what the Greenie movement is all about.


First, here is the top 10 list of signs you are a Greenie :

10. You’re furious that pounds kill pets, so you support an organization which kills pets.

9. You think coal pollution is better than nuclear waste, and then you complain about the quality of our air.

8. You think “risk assessment” is a board game.

7. You constantly complain about layoffs, but you think losing millions of jobs (and billions of dollars) is okay if it helps reduce the air temperature by a fraction of a degree. You think people promoting the alternative of sound technological solutions are crackpots.

6. You’re pissed off when people serve you meat, but you act surprised when people blast you for wanting to enforce veganism on your future innocent babies.

5. You think the precautionary principle is AOK, except when it’s applied against you. Then it becomes a matter of principles.

4. You get mad when anyone says you think other animals are more important than people, but you cheer when hunters die or animal researchers are threatened with their grandmother's corpse.

3. You think “The Tragedy of the Commons” is a Shakespeare play.

2. You say we should respect all life, then you gulp antibiotics. The hypocrisy of this doesn’t register in your mind at all.

1. You’re so concerned about third-world hunger that you campaign to ban life-saving GM foods from Africa.


Now, the top 4 activities of Greenies (using American statistics) :

4. Having sex and making children... while believing that human activity is inherently harmful. Perhaps they think it's okay as long as you can brainwash your children to become "caring" Greenies like they are.

3. Eating vegetarian because it's "healthy", "natural" and "compassionate", even though vegetarianism is unnatural, makes many people weaker, and threshers kill more rodents and snakes during a single grain harvest than the amount of animals all slaughterhouses kill in an entire year.

2. "Sustainability". I think this has to do with protesting globalization and growing your own vegetables (not that I have anything against growing your own vegetables). I think it also has to do with whining about oil reserves while you drive your SUV (I don't own a car, so I can feel as superior as I want to the Greenies on this point).

1. Recycling ! This icon of Greenie "concern" persists in the public consciousness even though it is generally acknowledged that a single landfill 120 feet deep and 44 miles square could handle 1000 years of garbage and that recycling in most cases (around 150-200$/ton, and only for some waste) is a waste of resources compared to disposal (30-90$/ton, depending on the place, for all waste).


Finally, here are some jokes about Greenies :

Q: What do you call a Native vegetarian ?
A: A bad shot.
(credit to the show "Cooking with the Wolfman" on APTN for that one)

Q: How many Greenies does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A1: None - lightbulbs aren't biodegradable. Greenies prefer to suffocate themselves with oil lamps.
A2: Twenty to write the EPA report, a hundred to protest the lightbulb changing, and one to give away the socket to the government so the evil capitalists don't get their hands on it and make a profit by offering to change it at a lower price.

Q: Why did the Greenie cross the road ?
A: He had to go back to the car to get his sign for the anti-globalization protest.

Q: Why was Hitler vegetarian ?
A: Because he valued cattle more than human beings.


Ba-doom-tish ! Thank you very much. I'll be here all week.